Feast or Famine

By J.P.

I’d like to start this out by saying in no way do I advocate gambling. I always liked to read Norman Chad’s weekly picks when I was a kid. I had no idea what they meant and how he got his record from the week previous, but I did learn how to pick against the spread after asking my dad what the hell was going on here with this guy. (side note—people also still say that about him if they for some reason find themselves watching poker coverage on ESPN)

As far as my credentials, the title of this column should tell you everything: Feast or Famine. I don’t like to brag when I do well, because I don’t like to admit when I have an horrendous week of picks either. Case in point—two weeks ago, I was 10-4, however last weekend I went 3-13. I won’t be picking the Thursday game (it’s already happened); I will say that I have a few edicts when making my picks and one is “Never bet against Tebow (especially when he’s home dog [this is almost like free money]).”

Nonetheless, I hope that you find some things amusing, funny, educational or all three. PICK TIME!

Titans (+6) @ Falcons

I thought I saw the dumbest coach move ever when I was at Memorial Stadium to see Marty Mornhigweg take the wind instead of the ball after winning the coin toss in overtime. The entire stadium was confused. Mike Smith did his best to remake an equally awful decision. Why does that matter this week? Mornhigweg and his Lions went on to lose 7 games after that and he was fired. Not that that will happen to Smith, but Tennessee is just good enough cover that point spread.  Somebody tell this guy to do a Happy Dance, for pete’s sake!

Bengals (+7) @ Ravens

Nothing more than gut instinct on this one. Bengals. That and I fear the wrath of a GQB (Ginger Quarterback). Extra credit question—who’s the head coach of Cincinnati? I know you’re thinking, “Wait, I thought he was fired…right?” Nope he’s still there.

  You know I can hurt you with this just this football, and my stare!

Jaguars @ Browns (-1)

Is it me or are the Browns in the worst game ever televised every week? That game, if you just looked at the score would have seemed to be a good game. I know there’s a joke here…Browns, toilet bowl, crap… Ugh why am I blanking! Take the home team, because the fans might actually do something if they don’t beat the Jaguars.

Panthers (+7) @ Detroit

Look, the Lions WERE a good team earlier this year. Ever since someone got their panties in a twist because someone shook their hand too hard and slapped his back and gave him an ouchie, the Lions morphed into giant wusses—just 1-3 since then, including that game.  Also, doesn’t Schwartz look like the skinny younger brother of Wayne Fontes? Maybe I’m off here, or it may have just been a long week. Never bet on Fontes. Take the Panthers and the points.

Bucaneers @ Packers (+13.5)

My second edict, “Never bet against the 2011 Packers.” Will they lose a game this year—maybe. But if you would like to take that risk and bet against them, I call you an idiot. Period. (Side note—Aaron Rodgers is a closet pro wrestling fan and is secretly behind the grassroots campaign to get WrestleMania XXX at Lambeau Field.)

Bills (+2) @ Dolphins

I don’t know what has happened, but the Bills were good. I told a colleague earlier this year that they would beat the Patriots this season. I didn’t think that it would happen in week 3. But this team is an enigma right now. They have a good core on offence and a strong defence (yes, this is how Canadians spell it, and if you play a home game in Canadia, then I speak in your native tongue [side note—watch hockey]), so I cannot see a world where the Dolphins beat them. Unless coach Sporano continues to make some sort of sacrifice to the demigods that he worships to continue this winning streak… I say no. Bills recover and win outright.

Raiders (-1.5) @ Vikings

Man, there are some awful teams this year. And I don’t consider the Raiders to be one of them. They are a QB away from being good. They’re starting a cat that retired because he didn’t get his way earlier this season.  The Vikings are just clueless. They’re the latest to try, fail, and hang head shamefully with McNabb. This guy, wow, is he sad story. When did he get old? It was like, blink and you missed all his talent getting sucked away  like [insert tasteless joke, Mad Libs-style]. Take the Raiders.

Dallas (-7) @ Redskins

Per owner, operator, CEO, and President of day-to-day operations of fredbook, LLC, my next edict is “Always take the Cowboys if you want to write a column on fredbook.” (CEO Note- This is entirely true, if you want a picks column on my website, you always take the Cowboys)

Cardinals @ 49ers (-9.5)

I’ve said it from day one, Ken Whisenhunt is an idiot. He made it to a Super Bowl on the back of Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald.  He’s 28-20 when he started Warner and he’s 11-20 when he doesn’t.  I don’t think Kurt is planning on un-retiring anytime soon.

  Dude, I always knew I was awesome.

Seahawks (+2) @ St. Louis

This is a matter of picking with my head and not my heart. Nothing tells me that either one of these teams is better than the other. With that being said, I’ll pick the Seahawks and root for the Rammies . (Side note—if you have not seen it yet, watch the Ram Rules on YouTube and then try not to laugh. This video is actually played at EVERY RAMS’ HOME GAME.)

Chargers @ Bears (-3.5)

I miss Mike Martz in St. Louis. No matter how bad the team was, this guy made football relevant in St. Louis. Since he left, we’ve had awesome names like Joe Vitt (Fred’s favorite Rams’ coach ever), Scott Linehan, and Steve Spagnuolo.  Also, if Whisenhunt is #1 idiot, Norv Turnen is 1A. He must have photos on every higher-up in the league to still have a job in the NFL. Turner wins because Phil Rivers is really good. Take the Packers game a couple weeks ago. Turner had nothing to do with that comeback—it was the defense and Rivers running the offense. (Ah, yes, back to the good ol’ American way of spelling…)  I also like Cutler; if he had an offensive line the could actually block, he’d have some pretty awesom numbers right now. Take the Bears at Soliders Field (because there is more than one solider…in the world).

You are good. Everyone else around you sucks.

SUNDAY NIGHT

Eagles @ Giants (-5.5)

See fredbook’s Scream Team for my similar thoughts on the Eagles. Tom Coughlin does nothing but win when everyone says he can’t coach anymore. Take the Giants at home against the Eagles and whoever starts for them, it won’t matter anyway.

MONDAY NIGHT

Chiefs @ Patriots (-14.5)

I never bet against the Patriots. I learn my lesson from Super Bowl XXXVI (even though they cheated, that’s another coulmn). Last week they were actully underdogs against the Jets. Patriots. UNDERDOGS! All I heard in my head when I saw that line was Will Ferrel screaming, “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!!” This looks more like normal. I think that Todd Haley might survive the rest of the season because the ACF West is sooooooo bad, but he’s going to lose his job at Kansas City. This also leads to my final edict (that I will share with you this week); the Monday night matchups have been baaaaaaad. I mean really bad. That leads to blowouts. And the line says so. Take the Patriots and that dreamy Michigan Man, Tom Brady and lay them points.

Man, if you stayed with me for this whole right, go buy yourself a cookie. You deserve—NAY—you’ve earned it.

I’ll end every column with good luck with your picks and WATCH HOCKEY(yes, that is another sport, I’m not dumb. I just know that it will rile up Fred).